How God Helped Me Forgive by Bertha Limberhand of Lame Deer, Montana (This was told in Cheyenne July 1989 at Crazyhead Springs Campground, on the Northern Cheyenne Reservation, Montana; the English translation follows the Cheyenne text.) Nato'seva'neeetšėške'me'eoesesta hapo'e tsemehae'eehešeamėhneto. Bertha naheševehe. Namehaeheškenȯtse Nina Standing Elk Bigback, naa tseheheto John Bigback e'ȯhkėhestohe. Hetsetseha etaešenešėhovaneeheo'o. Hetsėheohe tse'ȯhkenaestse- ka'ėškoneho -moheeohtsevȯse tse'ȯhkemoheehevȯse Crazyheads, e'ȯhkemehae'eevesėtšėheše- ehohaepėhevatsėstanovo tseheheto naa tsehešketo. E'ȯhkėsaa'eetonėšeeenoohto'eetȧhestovȯheo'o. Eohkeeehešėho'kevesėho'moheeheo'o ho'eetšėhešemoheeohtsestovetse. Naa tsehešketse momehaehohaepėhevatsėstȯhehe tšėheševo'ėstanehevestȯtse. Hapo'e momehaema'heoneve'ho'evėhehe, mo'ȯhkeeveeestsėhehe. Naa motȧhosenėhešėhene'enȯhehe hapo'e tsehešketse. Naa nahosėtoe'asenėhešeešeehaene. Hapo'e naneveme tsexhe'evetse naa enešeo'o hapo'e tsehetanevese. Nahešemȧsotaomevo'ėstaneheveme. Naa hapo'e nataešeto'senėhe'xove'eaheotse, nataešėto'sėho'ee'ta tsehotoanato. Hetsetseha hapo'e naxaenėšene'etamenȯtse Ma'heo'o tsehvoešeno'keoetseto ta'se oha naohkeeeme'etanonoto nahko'eehe naa neho'eehe tseohkemehae'eeheševovestomoo'evȯse. Nataohkeeehoonȯsetano ho'otova. Ho'otova naohkea'xaeme. Naa nataohkeevave'šėhehnovetano, "Onetahtse etapėheveohtseo'o," naohkėhešetano. Hapo'e emehaehohaema'heoneve'ho'eveo'o. Naa ta'se naho'ee'ta hetsetseha tseoseema'xėhotoanato he'tohe tse'ameohtsestomaneto manestȯtse naa he'pohtȯtse, naa tseohkeve'šė- tseohkeononesta'oevose ta'se he'tohe naxaetaeho'ee'ta. Naa ta'se esaaxae'evatonėšeto'hanehane hetsetseha. Naa oha naohkenėhešeeestsėstovoo'o. Ma'heo'o eoseema'xėhohaatamaahe, oha hova'ehe esaahotseme'emėstsehe. Oha hova'ehe ho'nėšema'xetonėšėhotoanatotse eohkeevapėhevana. Naa neohkenėhešeeestsėstonema, "Tsehavėse(va'e) eto'seevavovoananaa'e tsepėheva'e." Naa hene oha naohkėxaenėšenėhešetano. Naa nae'ha emehaeto'tšėšemoneešeeotse, 24 emehaemonenėhestȯheaenama. Naa "Nato'seveseaseoxėsėhehotse'ohetano," naxheta. "Tsėheohe nasaaxaetonėšenȧha'enohe hotse'ohestȯtse,'' exhevoo'o. Naa estaaseohtse. Naa "nėheohe tava'neevȧho'eohtseo'o Missoula," naxheto. Naa na'evȧhesėho'ȯxe'ėstoova hako'e Portland. Mostanėšėhoseo'omeaseve'hahtsėhehe. Naa hako'e nešeaa'e hako'e etao'sėto'hovanee'e. Naa nėhe'še nase'hovėho'ėhoosėhohta'haoohe'tone, "Nee'ha monaeotsėhehe nȧhaohe, moovane'ȯhoehevohe Me'šeeseve'ho'e," ehetoseme. Hako'e six times moovane'eoestȯhoehevohe. Naa naoseema'xėhoonȯse'ota. Ohase nataohkeeeme'etano tseohkemehae'eeheese, naa mato tseohkemehae'eeheševėse. Oha hetsetseha nataohkeme'etano'ta. Naa nama'xėhehnovetano Ma'heo'o tse'ešene'etameto. Naa nėhe'še naho'eonoomane, monato'seeestsėstovȯhehe ho'emanehe. Naa nȧhaohe natanėhe'ohtse. Naa tsestaeveametahoeto nama'xeeeameoo'hetanonae'ta, "Name'taoxȯhetosėstse? Heva eme'nėšeena'hevoohe naa mato hapo'e eme'evanėheše'tohe," natama'xeeehetoseamėhešetanonaa'e. Naoseemehaemehota nae'ha. Naa tsestaametahoeto nataohkėhaoena. Nataohkeeestsėstovo Ma'heo'o, "Vestȧhemėstse! Name'tonėšeoxȯhetosėstse? Ve'ho'e name'tonėšeeestsėstovosesto? Nasaanȯhtoveeestsėstovoheo'o hosėstse ve'ho'e." Naa natama'xeameoetsetanonaa'e. Naa nėhe'še nataosaanėho'eohtse hanȧhaohe. Naoseehoono'otse tsestȧho'eohtseto. Naa tsestavovoeho'eohtseto mato eso'eametanene. Netao'o nahetosėheto'ena, nahetosėtoxevoo'sėhaa'e. Eoseepėhevomohtahe heva esaaxae'ee=tosa'e=tonėšeonėšeohtsehe. Hene naameme'etano'ta tsestaevȧhosėho'eohtseto tosa'e nasaa'evatoo'e'oehe, heva tosa'e nasaa'evae'kotsevaenaehe. Naa nėhe'še nataosaaneestsėhoto, nataosaaneestsėhotoo'o ve'ho'e, ema'xėhoeo'o. Nahosėho'oxėhaoena tsestao'seestsėhneto. Naa nėhe'še tsesto'tšėšeaseeestseto nase'hovenetȧheveotse. Tsemeehaehešėhohaepeoto Me'šeeseve'ho'e, tsemehaehešėhohaestaha'tovo, exaehova'ėhane. Tsemehaeto'sėheto exaehova'ėhane, tsesto'semehaeheše- tsemehaeheše'eehavėsevo'aneooheto. Ta'se neva'esėstse naesta'xe'tova. Tse'tohe nasaanėsetamohe Me'šeeseve'ho'e nasaatonėšenėsetamohe tsestaeema'xėhotoanavo'oese. Oha "Nȧhtsėhaoenavomotaho hapo'e tseevanetȧhevėstave. Hapo'e ho'otseo'o Ma'heo'o," naheve. Naa tsehne'evȧhoehneto henėheohe naa'eneamonoeotse. Tsemehae'eehešemomata'etanoto exaehova'ėhane. Naoseese'hovenetȧheveovana'xaestahaotse. Naoseenetȧhevevehpanaomohtȧheotse. Nasaaxae'eveevanėhešetanohe tsemehaehešepeosetanootseto. Naa nėheohe natamonėhene'ena Ma'heo'o tsehešėhohaatamaaese. Hemehosanestȯtse namonevoo'sėhaa'e. Naa oha hetsetseha nanėheve, "Nato'seasėho'e'ovo Ma'heo'o. Nasaahene'enovohe tosa'e tsesto'sėtšėhešemea'too'ėse. Heva nasaahene'enohe tsesto'sėhotse'ota'ėse. Oha naa ta'se exaemȧheonėsta'otsenȯtse he'netoonȯtse." Natava'neeetšėške'nėhešėhoseoesesta. Oohkemomoxe- vahtometo -eestsėstovotse nenesonėhaneo'o. Eso'hohaetšėhe'keaheo'o, esaa'ešepėhevėhene'enohenovo. Esaahene'enohenovo tseohkėhešeonėxa'o'haetse. Esaahene'enohenovo tseohkėhešeoetsetanonaetse, tseohkėhešėhoonȯse'ototse. Ho'otova hapo'e tsetamonėhoseasėhene'enanovo, emoneameešeeo'o. Hapo'e ma'tamȧsotaomėhenesonėhevȯtse hapo'e tsetamonemaenėhešėhene'enanovo. Naa oha naohkėhaoenavomotȧhoo'o. Oha pėhevomohtȧhestȯtse hapo'e naohkėhosėho'ȧhetsėstomevonovo. Hetsetseha eso'nešeo'o nae'ha (tsehee'hahetono), naa nahestonahe. Naa eoseema'xėhotoanato tsexho'ee'tomevȯse ha'tohe, ha'tohe tsema'xeno'heohtsetomaneto tsesaapėheva'ehane. Eoseema'xėhotoanato esaatonėšėto'hanehane ta'se. Naa oha tsehne'etameto, tsehne'etamestovėse Ma'heo'o, oha eto'sėsaahotsėtsėhetanohe. Natava'neeenėhetaa'eestse. ENGLISH TRANSLATION: I'm going to tell[1]just a little bit about how I've been going along in life. My name is Bertha. Nina Standing Elk Bigback was my mother and my father was called John Bigback. Now they are both gone (dead). Here where the children (Junior Camp) are gathered at Crazyhead (Spring) my mother and father really liked this. They never let themselves be left out. They always used to come when there was this camp gathering. And our mother really used to like this kind of life. Likewise he[2] was a Christian. He would give talks. And that's how our mother came to know it. And that is how she raised us, likewise. There's four of us women (sisters) and there are two men (brothers). We all have our own homes. And likewise I'm almost up to that age, I've almost reached some difficulty. Now I depend on God because I'm alone, like sometimes I remember my mother and my father, how they taught me. Sometimes I get lonesome. Sometimes I cry. And I get encouraged, "It's better, (my mother and father) went to a good place, I always think. They were strong Christians. And I have now reached the point in my age, something that is really difficult, this drinking that seems to take over our way of life, and (marijuana) smoking. And that which makes them disoriented, like I have reached this right at this age. And it's like you cannot stop it now. But I always talk to them this way. God is very powerful. He can do all things. No matter how difficult something is, He always makes it good.[3] And we are told, Overcome evil with good.''[4]And that is what I keep in mind. And my son had just grown up, he just turned 24. "I'm going to look for a job elsewhere," he told me. "I can't seem to find any job here (on the reservation)," he said. And so he left. "You could just go as far as Missoula," I told him. But he wrote to me from way over in Portland. He must have gone along with (some people). He was gone almost two years. And then they brought news to my house, "Your son died over there. He must have been stabbed by a Mexican," they told about him. "He must have been stabbed by him six times." And I really miss him. I remember the things he used to say and also what he used to do. That's all I've got to remember. And I'm really encouraged because I trust in God. And then I was called. I was to go and talk to the judge. So I went over there. And as I was riding along (on the bus) I really kept wondering about it, "What should I say? Maybe, 'Give him a life sentence.' And, likewise, he should be treated the same way (he treated my son)," I just kept thinking about all this as I was sitting (riding). My son loved me very much. As I was riding along I kept praying. I talked to God, "Help me! What should I say to him? How should I speak to the white people? I don't know how to speak to some white people." And I went along worried as I sat. And then I arrived over there (at Portland). The first time I went there (my son) was still living. He took and showed me around all over. He was really in good health. He didn't have a pain anywhere. I thought about that when I arrived there again (this time), he wasn't there to meet me, he wasn't there to hug me. And then I went in to see (the judge), I went in to see the white people, there were many of them. I prayed once more for the last time before I went in (to the courtroom). And then right when I started to speak I suddenly felt different. The way I had hated the Mexican, the way I was angry at him, it was just gone. What I had intended to say was just gone, the way I was going to talk bad. (It was) like someone entered into me. I did not have ill feelings towards this Mexican. I couldn't have ill feelings towards him, to get a tough sentence. Only, "I'll be praying for him, perhaps so he can change his lifestyle. Likewise try God," I said. And when I came out (of the courtroom) I sat there for a long time. The way I had been angry was just gone. Suddenly I felt really different and peaceful in my heart. I really felt light. I just didn't have any feelings the way I had had hateful thoughts. That's when I found out that God is very powerful. He showed me His love. So now I say, "I'm going to follow God. I don't know where He will send me. I don't know where I will be working for Him. It was just like He opened all the doors." I'm just telling this a little like that. I wish we (parents) would talk to our children, regardless. They are very young, they do not understand it. They don't know how much they hurt us. They don't know how they worry us, how much we miss them. Sometime they also will begin to know, they are just growing up. Likewise, when they all have their own children they will understand it. But I always pray for them. I want good health for them. Right now I still have two sons, and I have a daughter. And it is very difficult when they come to this age, this thing which gets them off the track, which is not good. It's really difficult, it seems like you can't stop it. But I trust in Him, when God is trusted, all things are possible with Him.[5] That's how much I have to say. FOOTNOTES: 1 This testimony was first tape recorded in Cheyenne. The taping was done during a children's camp at Crazyhead Spring on the reservation. This is an English translation of the Cheyenne. 2This may have been Vo'ho'kase, Lightning, one of the first Cheyenne Christians. 3Romans 8:28. 4Romans 12:21. 5Matthew 19:26, Mark 9:23.